When we’re so caught up making our coffee’s on the go, replying to our everyday good morning texts, doing our morning routine, we live our lives on autopilot. We prioritize things that need to get done that day and push the not so important errands back and repeat the following day. Sometimes, the days happen to be simple and to go quicker. Sometimes, the days are excruciatingly long and turn into after hours. The days you do have to yourself, you spend socializing or doing errands for yourself/loved ones. Let’s be honest, who has time to self-reflect and figure out what’s the next step.
I had a conversation with my friend over hot chocolate spiked w/ espresso shots and we came to a conclusion: you’re not always going to be motivated to better yourself. Some days you will be shooting for the moon, some days you’ll be cutting it halfway and there are the days where you won’t even bother opening your brain up. Yep, that’s normal. Unless you’re prescribed to 60mg Adderall, nobody is motivated every hour of every day. I’m not anywhere I need to be, 5 years ago I thought I would be farther in life. I’m not, am I disappointed? No. Am I demotivated? No. Am I going to complain and whine? Maybe in my head but not out loud. The only way to move up is to change your life. I’m 23 now and it’s like God is slowly but surely teaching me life lessons. It really is true, you grow up without realizing it. Sometimes you don’t even want to but it just happens and you realize what works and what doesn’t.
I always wanted to be that girl who went to Yale and became this badass lawyer who fought for what I believed was right. Whether I would be the child abuse lawyer who helped rescue angel souls from devilish homes or the lawyer fought for wrongful convictions. I would envision the tabloids swarming me after a groundbreaking court case, “Farah, did you ever imagine you would free this man who was wrongfully convicted for decades.” I would thank the guy up there and just give myself a pat on the back in my head. I’d just smile and say, “Well, innocence always wins.” Haha! I had a way with words, so why couldn’t I use them in the courtroom for the greater good. I had a big mouth as a kid and as I grew older, minute comments and insecure thoughts got the best of me. I never spoke unless I was asked to because I wouldn’t have a filter and that’s followed me. It might just be my biggest flaw, especially when I’m angry. But as a lawyer, converting that anger into speaking for justice would’ve been ideal.
As I grew older, I realized my dream was almost impossible to become that successful (unless I was Kathleen Zellner) and all these what if’s. I dislike myself for it but I gave up. My dreams withered away and I went for the safer route, biology. Being a successful doctor had to be easier than being a successful wrongful conviction lawyer? That’s the thing, I wasn’t obsessed with what I was doing. I wasn’t in love with the process, I couldn’t even stand blood. Truth be told, I was in love with the image. I wanted to be something that I could be proud of. I wanted to build something out of myself that when I told people my profession, they would look at me wide-eyed paired with an open mouth. But then, I even thought about it more deeply. It wasn’t that I truly cared about what ‘people’ thought of me, it was what I thought of me. I wanted to challenge and push myself so that even my biggest critic (myself) would be content. I was striving to be proud of myself and it caught up to me. I gave up before I even started because I couldn’t stand the thought of failing.
Some would say it’s not too late which it’s not, I still have time to reroute my life. What I say, is that they’re absolutely right. Whether that be my Masters, Doctorate, business or creation, I have to build something. Leave my own mark on this world in my very own way. I need a push from my biggest critic, myself. *Push*