Making My Muse

Have you ever been guilty of consistently keeping yourself busy so you wouldn’t have to be alone with your thoughts for 15+ minutes? Whether that’s dealing with small talk in social circles, activities that don’t require any mental willpower, jumping from relationship to relationship and never just being content with oneself. People will say “Get a hobby“, “Hang out with your friends“, “Learn to be happy alone“, “Build Yourself,” as if you hadn’t thought of the whole alphabet of things to do. Trying to find a hobby that doesn’t involve being a complete waste of space is difficult to keep up unless it’s your passion and to me, I’m still searching for my passion. Nobody wants to be a burden to their friends who have their own lives to live and sometimes friends don’t really understand each other as much we wish they would. Building yourself is something I do every day but how much joy does building yourself truly bring if you’re consistently trying to do more but nobody is giving the younger generation a chance. In my opinion, unless you have 10+ years experience in the field, an ivy league master’s degree or start your own company, it’s hard to strive to be the best in a working-class at 24, so you just keep building until you get there hoping you don’t give up along the way. But to learn to be happy alone? Now that’s one I feel like I haven’t had the willpower to truly tough out. Why haven’t I ever addressed it? Was I really that shallow to constantly need attention or be entertained? Did I just not want to be alone with my thoughts and needed to be distracted? And if so, why do I have this negative connotation of being alone?

For the first time in years, I haven’t tried to distract myself with anything or anyone. I figured this alone time was essential to find out who I really am and why I tick. I figured out I was going to be my own source of inspiration, my own muse if you must, to guide myself out of this Alice in Wonderland type hole that’s convinced me I was fine. I lost myself along the way, maybe to distract myself from real-life problems I’ve never dealt with and relied on others to fill that void.

I came to the realization, I have a lot of anger, resentment, and hatred towards things that have happened in my life, including hating myself. The problem? I am very passive about it because whenever I’ve tried to express myself, it would only cause problems or simply, others do not care no matter how many times they say they do. So sometimes it’s smarter to suffer silently and deal with it but little did I know, it was breaking me internally and I was becoming numb to everything. Which in turn, turned me careless, heartless and lost some of my ethics along the way.

Some would source that as getting stronger rather than becoming numb, but if that meant I was hurting people along the way, I would rather stay weak. The more I spend climbing out of Alice in Wonderland, the more I will find where my true self lays. Or maybe I won’t, maybe I never will. But one thing is certain, I’d rather be alone by myself than in a room full of people and lonely.

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